Make your mind one-pointed in meditation, and your heart will be purified…With all fears dissolved in the peace of the Self and all desires dedicated to Brahman, controlling the mind and fixing it on me (God), sit in meditation with me as your only goal. With senses and mind constantly controlled through meditation, united with the Self within, an aspirant attains nirvana, the state of abiding joy and peace in me.

- Bhagavad Gita 6:12-15

I Didn’t Know My Own Strength – Whitney Houston

Try Sleeping With A Breaking Heart – Alicia Keys

(surprising uplifting despite title)

By standing on his own A man finds happiness. By standing on his own A man finds freedom. By standing on his own He goes beyond the world. By standing on his own He finds the end of the way.

- Ashtavakra Gita 18:50

Let this picture be an inspiration to me – wild, free, and untamed.   My wild, angry, savage, childish, selfish, self-absorbed heart is never meant to be tamed.  So, I let it all go and I know that I will always be wild, free, and untamed.

I embrace the aloneness.   I celebrate the aloneness.   I am aloneness.  I am ONE.

Freedom!

The last few days have been hell. Pure absolutely hell.   And so yesterday I drove to Washington, DC to get some help.   The person I saw said something that stopped me in my tracks and opened the door for me to try to a way through the sadness and hell.

“You need to love them as they need to be loved as they should be loved.   Accept the love as it should be not as the way you want it to be.  Let it be the gentle way, the sweetness, the light.”

and

“They are not coming to rescue you. Come to terms with that. And you really do not want them to rescue you.”

I must rescue my own self.  The 6 year old in me yes wants desperately to be rescued and loved, but the 36 year old woman does not want to be rescued.   She needs a partner not a rescuer.  And she need to rescue herself.  I need to walk into the light and out of the darkness and pain and to love the way that is needed not the way I want it.

I need to listen to my brain and not my crazy heart.   And to love smartly.

I have a choice – I can be a 6 year old who believes in fairy tales or a 36 year old mature woman who is smart and who knows she must be the strong one.

I will be the 36 year old and focus and strong.  I will embrace the light and step out of the 6 year old darkness.

I am gritting my teeth now, chin up, must keep fighting.

I understand now that the only person who can save me, who can only ensure my happiness, who can make me happy, who can bring me peace, who can ensure I survive somehow someway is ME.   Not my family, not my friends, and not a certain someone who I have put too much reliance on and who I centered all my happiness around.

I must find a way to survive, someway to endure, and someway to be happy MYSELF.  One foot in front of the other, I must find a way to climb this mountain in front of me – free and wild.

Onwards….

East is east

West is west

Never the two will meet**

Day is day

Night is night

Night fades to day

Day flees from night

You are day

You are east

I am night

I am west

Never the two will meet.

Always seperate.

Eternally apart.

Accepted and understood

that is life and the rules of the universe.

I live my life

wild and untamed

dark and deep as the night.

You live your life

dancing in the sun

ever bright.

Calmness and serenity reign

as night fades to day, letting go,

understanding for eternity.

–Written by Anne Collins, 5:00 pm 10/19/2009

**first three lines borrowed from The Ballad of East and West by Rudyard Kipling**

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

You do not know do you

that when we say our goodbyes

and as you hang up

and as I click off the phone

of the pain that sears through me

of all the thousands of miles

of all the things separating us

dividing us

preventing us

you do not know

of the hallowness sorrow

that permeates through my soul

and rings with the whys and why nots

you do not know of the tears

that silently roll down my face

as I say goodbye

and start a new day alone

knowing that I love you

but that it is never ever enough.

==Written by Anne Collins Sinha, 10/02/2009