Make your mind one-pointed in meditation, and your heart will be purified…With all fears dissolved in the peace of the Self and all desires dedicated to Brahman, controlling the mind and fixing it on me (God), sit in meditation with me as your only goal. With senses and mind constantly controlled through meditation, united with the Self within, an aspirant attains nirvana, the state of abiding joy and peace in me.
- Bhagavad Gita 6:12-15
I Didn’t Know My Own Strength – Whitney Houston
Try Sleeping With A Breaking Heart – Alicia Keys
(surprising uplifting despite title)
By standing on his own A man finds happiness. By standing on his own A man finds freedom. By standing on his own He goes beyond the world. By standing on his own He finds the end of the way.
- Ashtavakra Gita 18:50
Let this picture be an inspiration to me – wild, free, and untamed. My wild, angry, savage, childish, selfish, self-absorbed heart is never meant to be tamed. So, I let it all go and I know that I will always be wild, free, and untamed.
I embrace the aloneness. I celebrate the aloneness. I am aloneness. I am ONE.
Freedom!
The last few days have been hell. Pure absolutely hell. And so yesterday I drove to Washington, DC to get some help. The person I saw said something that stopped me in my tracks and opened the door for me to try to a way through the sadness and hell.
“You need to love them as they need to be loved as they should be loved. Accept the love as it should be not as the way you want it to be. Let it be the gentle way, the sweetness, the light.”
and
“They are not coming to rescue you. Come to terms with that. And you really do not want them to rescue you.”
I must rescue my own self. The 6 year old in me yes wants desperately to be rescued and loved, but the 36 year old woman does not want to be rescued. She needs a partner not a rescuer. And she need to rescue herself. I need to walk into the light and out of the darkness and pain and to love the way that is needed not the way I want it.
I need to listen to my brain and not my crazy heart. And to love smartly.
I have a choice – I can be a 6 year old who believes in fairy tales or a 36 year old mature woman who is smart and who knows she must be the strong one.
I will be the 36 year old and focus and strong. I will embrace the light and step out of the 6 year old darkness.
I am gritting my teeth now, chin up, must keep fighting.
I understand now that the only person who can save me, who can only ensure my happiness, who can make me happy, who can bring me peace, who can ensure I survive somehow someway is ME. Not my family, not my friends, and not a certain someone who I have put too much reliance on and who I centered all my happiness around.
I must find a way to survive, someway to endure, and someway to be happy MYSELF. One foot in front of the other, I must find a way to climb this mountain in front of me – free and wild.
Onwards….
East is east
West is west
Never the two will meet**
Day is day
Night is night
Night fades to day
Day flees from night
You are day
You are east
I am night
I am west
Never the two will meet.
Always seperate.
Eternally apart.
Accepted and understood
that is life and the rules of the universe.
I live my life
wild and untamed
dark and deep as the night.
You live your life
dancing in the sun
ever bright.
Calmness and serenity reign
as night fades to day, letting go,
understanding for eternity.
–Written by Anne Collins, 5:00 pm 10/19/2009
**first three lines borrowed from The Ballad of East and West by Rudyard Kipling**
“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”
You do not know do you
that when we say our goodbyes
and as you hang up
and as I click off the phone
of the pain that sears through me
of all the thousands of miles
of all the things separating us
dividing us
preventing us
you do not know
of the hallowness sorrow
that permeates through my soul
and rings with the whys and why nots
you do not know of the tears
that silently roll down my face
as I say goodbye
and start a new day alone
knowing that I love you
but that it is never ever enough.
==Written by Anne Collins Sinha, 10/02/2009
